Grief . . .

Mother died on June 24th around 6:45 p.m. here at home, suddenly and unexpectedly.  It was the most traumatic thing I've ever lived through.  I will never get it out of my mind.  Her funeral and internment was this morning, and blessedly brief.  She had a very small turnout and got few flowers.  I am heartbroken I've lost my mother but she is no longer miserable and is in a better place.  In that I find peace.

It's still very hot, the air conditioner I'd bought for Mom's room I put in here, and at night it is better, during the day not so much.  I'm hoping for a better environment soon but that remains to be seen.  One thing is I can simply spend more time outside and that's good.  I'm thinking we might have lost Snoopy he's not in the yard and not coming when I call, I think he's taking up at someone else's house on 3rd street.  But I can't help it I can't contain him.

Pain . . .

I have been waking up with the worst back pain.  My back hurts normally because of my job but should stop hurting as I lie down and sleep and usually does but lately I've been waking with horrible back pain.  It's back again today.  I hope it subsides.  I don't know if I work tonight I have to stop at the store when I'm in town and ask to see the schedule.  I'm tired of calling up there and there be rude people.  Sick of it.

All Kinds of Problems . . .

First and foremost I cannot get paid because as a former employee of my current employer I cannot get a new paycard and of COURSE I destroyed the old one after I quit.  NOW I have to see if my boss will give me a temporary pay card to cover the one I lost.  It's a process and I hope it works out, I need my money!  THEN I go to WalMart to get a new pair of pants because I didn't get a chance to wash the ones I have and the ones I wanted OF COURSE they were out of so I bought the only pair in a size conceivably big enough and I'm pretty sure they won't fit so I'm going to be so screwed tonight.  But laundry tomorrow no matter how tired and sore I am.

Otherwise I think things are going ok still waiting on the admissions to call me about Mom, they need to hurry.  She has started to fret about being left here alone at night which pisses me off.  But ... what can I do I will not leave this job on that account, she'll just have to deal.

Panic . . .

I today got the last details sent to the nursing home where mother will spend the rest of her days.  If they don't hurry and admit her, I don't know what is going to happen with my job.  All of a sudden she is in a panic about being left alone.  Thank the GODS I have 3 days off straight after tonight and they SHOULD have her admitted in a couple of days.  Then to tend to the OTHER thorn in my side.  But we'll see, that is about to come to a head as well ... I've had enough.

Work is going well.  Blogsters don't know yet but I got a job about a week ago at WhatABurger.  I work nights and though the work is overtly tiring due to my age and weight, it's not such a bad way to make a living.  A lot of the people are warming to me and I'm trying not to be such a weirdo but so many people have NOTHING in common with me it's best I stay quiet.  But we get along and sometimes have a laugh.  I get free food and all the water (or soda, I just opt for water because I need it) I can drink.  Can't top that, right?  And it's WhatABurger, the best food in town!

All Things In Their Time . . .

For better or worse life is changing for me starting tomorrow.  I start a job and I start trying to fix everything that's broken.  My home, my autonomy, my life, even the remains of my Mother's life.  Were I left on my own this would be accomplished in short, obtainable goals.  But now the Intruder has come on the scene and is making things harder again.  I was feeling wonderful about the future now I feel like shit again.  But even as this black cloud descends, I think of alternative paths.  When the time comes, I will take one.  This in it's own time.

The Magic of Waiting . . .

I was sitting outside calling for Snoopy to come home.  I stopped for a few minutes and just watched the wind blow through the trees.  Smelling the freshness of the rain fueled air and wondering on the steps I need to take to accomplish some of the goals I've set for myself over the upcoming week.  I looked down and magically, Snoopy was quietly sitting beside me watching the trees as I was.  I petted and praised him for coming to me and promised him a chicken breast if he'd come in.  He did so he got his treat.  Next time maybe he'll come to me a little quicker to get his treat!  Though it won't always be chicken breast, we simply had 2 left over from a chicken dinner gone by.  I gave the other to the mother-to-be Annie to get her into the house.  All are snug as bugs in rugs now so let the rain pour.  We're sound now.

10 Days to MayDay . . .

Hoping things improve next month around the house it's been a trial to stay sane lately.  I'm thinking of the future and trying to work up a plan but it's hard when others are involved that are so in the way.  But it hasn't been too bad and hopefully in days to come it will be better, maybe by November.  We'll see.